Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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