I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
