Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
