U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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