I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
