nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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