oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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