This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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