I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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