Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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