I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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