my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
