a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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