It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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