Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
