My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
