wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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