i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
