Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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