I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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