He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
