So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
