1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
