Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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