You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
