i just sent this text using only my big toe
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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