In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
