If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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