i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
