If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
