I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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