I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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