Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
