Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
