If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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