The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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