does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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