i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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