if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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