She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
