Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
