Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
