i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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