went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
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I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
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Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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