oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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