So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
