I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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