last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
