I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
