Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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