Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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