I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ketchup is God's man juice
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
