Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
