we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
