Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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