Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
