so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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