someone threw a dead crab at me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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