The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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