I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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