Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
